


You Can't Google This

by SiriuslyPadfoot



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collegestuck, Excessive Rapping, M/M, Minor Karkat Vantas/Jade Harley, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 00:49:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1206688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriuslyPadfoot/pseuds/SiriuslyPadfoot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He spent about ten minutes taking running leaps at the brick wall and trying to stick to it. He wasn’t very sticky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t that John hated college. He liked the independence and he had made a lot of really cool friends. The problem was having a class at eight every day. It was sort of his fault, he did sign up for it, but he didn’t realize how early eight was. And despite how positive the rest of the collegiate experience was, he was in a perpetual pissy mood (or, as pissy as his temperament would allow) because eight was very, very early for someone who consistently fell asleep at five. A part of the problem probably was that he was taking too many classes. Someone (Rose) had given him the idea to take a bunch of classes so he could graduate early and that was just all around a terrible idea. He didn’t even know what he wanted to major in, and he was originally going to take his time with gen ed until he sorted out of life a little bit more. But someone (Rose) had pushed him into declaring biology. So now he had to take a bunch of science classes and he had to be awake for most of them, which sucked. And he had a cranky roommate this year with a silly name, so John had some trouble taking him seriously all of the time. John had convinced himself that it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t take someone named Karkat seriously.

Karkat was fun to prank at least. He got really crabby about it, but it was really fun. For John. He was pretty sure Karkat didn’t think it was fun at all. Sometimes John thought they could be considered friends, but none of his other friends regularly called him a fuckass. It might be a term of endearment, John had never been brave enough to ask him, because whenever Karkat was using that particular term, he was usually yelling very loudly and John didn’t want to risk making him yell louder and wake up more people. Usually when Karkat yelled, it was at four in the morning because John was talking himself through a lab write-up and Karkat was trying to sleep John tried to apologize frequently for always keeping him up, but he usually remembered in the morning, and they were both too exhausted to get anywhere with apologize effectively.

John liked to sit by himself at lunch. He used to hate doing it in high school but he would normally do homework in a vain attempt to get thee and a half hours of sleep for one night. Today wasn’t a day he was going to be able to sit alone. Karkat sat across from him and banged his tray down on the table. John looked up to see him scowling furiously at his textbook. It was his way of telling John he wanted to talk. Which was more than slightly annoying when John was concentrating and didn’t notice him. Mostly the only reason Karkat wanted to talk was so he could complain about his classes or criticize John on his science. It was a small miracle that he was working on math today, Karkat sucked at math.

“Was there something you needed?” John put his pencil down and made eye contact. “I’m kind of working on something.” Karkat still didn’t say anything, so John went back to work.

“You’re doing that wrong,” he said after John had finished the problem.

John put his pencil down again, but it was more exasperated that time. “You know nothing about calc.”

“I know that square root of forty-nine is seven,” Karkat said smugly.

“Fuck,” John sighed and erased his work. “Do you only come here to correct me?”

“No. I come here to make sure you aren’t being a fuckass.”

“Whatever. Can you go sit somewhere else so I can get this done?”

Karkat pulled the textbook away from him and put it under the table. “No. You need to fucking relax so you can sleep more.”

“Since when do you care about my wellbeing?”

“Since the last time you got this pissy about doing work and I didn’t get any fucking sleep because you wouldn’t turn off the fucking light.” John decided to let him finish before telling him that relaxing now would mean he would stay up later that night. “I don’t even want you to go to a fucking party or anything, just take a fucking day off.”

“Karkat, no, if I take a day off now, then I’ll just have twice as much to do tomorrow.”

“Not if you skip the rest of your classes.”

“No! I had to pay for them.”

“Why don’t you calculate what missing a day costs and I’ll pay you back.”

John glared. “No.”

“Well, you aren’t getting this fucking brick back, eat your lunch.”

Jade sat down next to Karkat a few minutes later and started talking to him, giving John the chance to fish the book back to his side of the table and put it back in his bag. Karkat gave him a nasty look, but Jade was talking about some dog she had seen walking to the dining hall and he couldn’t shut up her up to bitch at John. He was semi-polite to Jade for whatever reason. And John had no problem taking full advantage of it. He left to go to his dorm for the last fifteen minutes and seriously think over not going to his other classes. He made up his mind pretty quickly after he took his laptop on his bed and laid down. He emailed his other three professors and apologized for being too sick to come to class. Karkat came in a few minutes later and had the smuggest grin John had ever seen when he saw John lounging on his bed, and then left again. He had been expecting Karkat to skip with him so he wouldn’t be bored out of his mind for the next several hours. He resolved to do his homework so he could sleep that night. John managed to finish it an hour before Karkat’s last class, which left him approximately enough time to play a prank on him. John tried to not prank Karkat very frequently because, as fun as his reaction was, Karkat would get scarily angrily sometimes. And then John would have to sleep in the same room as him and John wasn’t entirely sure Karkat wouldn’t murder him in his sleep. However, he had just pressured John into skipping his classes for the rest of the day and then left him to his own devices, so he felt his was justified in a little bit of payback. 

After a moment of deliberation, John decided to lock him out of the room so his key wouldn’t work. Gum seemed to be the easiest option, but he didn’t want to make the custodians clean that up. There was really no reason to create that much work. So he decided to jam tape in the lock instead so it would stay locked. He wasn’t quite sure how to go about taking apart a lock, but he was pretty sure taking off the doorknob was a pretty good first step. At the beginning, he stayed inside the room so he wouldn’t get locked out. He needed to test it to make sure the lock would actually stick, so he needed to find someone to test it on. John tripled checked the door was propped open before he left to go to the commons area on his floor. He interrupted a stranger from doing her homework and explained what he was doing, she agreed and John profusely thanked her as he handed her his key. He swore when he saw the door shut.

“I swear I propped it open!”

“Maybe your roommate came back.”

John pounded on the door for a minute before trying his key. At least jamming the lock had worked superbly. He sent the girl back to her homework and tried to pry the lock open with his driver’s license. The lock didn’t open, but he managed to snap his license in two. That was some sort of achievement. He jiggled the knob some more unsuccessfully and slumped against the door in defeat. This wasn’t a good situation to be in, especially considering how pissed Karkat was going to be when neither of them could get into the room.

While he was wallowing about the impending shit storm from Karkat, he got the brilliant idea to try and climb in the window. They were only on the third floor, it wouldn’t be impossible to get in through the window. John wasn’t sure if it was open or not, but he could break it and offer to pay for it. After he got outside, the task of finding a way up seemed a lot more daunting. He didn’t know how he had managed to not notice there wasn’t anything around that he could use to help himself up. There was a drainpipe sort of near his window. John decided to try that. John quickly discovered that he had no idea how to climb a drainpipe. He spent about ten minutes taking running leaps at the brick wall and trying to stick to it. He wasn’t very sticky. He got several strange looks from passerby ad a few chortles at his subpar efforts.

There was a blond boy that leaned against the wall a little bit away from John and watched him with a satisfied smirk. Or, John thought he was watching him, h couldn’t really tell if the boy was watching him or not because he was wearing dark sunglasses. John looked at the sky, it was completely overcast, and therefore absolutely no need for anybody to be wearing sunglasses. John spared him a hard look and went back to trying to climb the pipe, feeling a lot more ridiculous now that he had someone watching him. The other boy’s presence made him seriously think over his situation as he hit the ground after yet another failed attempt. He rethought it enough that he went back inside, resigning himself to just ask a custodian to take apart the door from the outside and pay for whatever damaged he had done to the lock. Which kind of sucked a lot.

He couldn’t quite work up the courage to go ask one of the custodians, just on the off chance the door magically fixed itself or something. John tried ramming his key into the lock and turning it as hard as he could. The key made a funny noise and John wasn’t interested in replacing the key along with the lock, so he stopped that immediately. He slid down the wall opposite of his door and stared intently at it. All of the staring was really doing nothing to help his situation and he knew he should have been doing something proactive, but he didn’t want a janitor to yell at him if he actually sought out help. Thinking for a while did remind him that he had an RA he could talk to, but his RA was a jackass and probably wouldn’t be any more pleasant to deal with than a grouchy custodian.

“What are you doing?” John looked up to see the boy from outside standing next to him.

“I’m locked out.”

The boy took a bobby pin out of his pocket and started to pick the lock. 

John sighed. “That won’t work. I jammed it. My key won’t even work.”

The boy turned around so quickly that his shades almost fell off. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“I was going to play a prank on my roommate, but I guess I didn’t prop the door open very well. 

“Could he have come back?”

“Yeah. He won’t open the door if he did. He hates when I prop it open.”

“I’m going to look in the window.” Without another word, the boy walked back towards the stairs. John followed him after a second to process what was happening. 

“Why didn’t you just offer to help before I went inside?” John asked once he caught up.

The boy shrugged. John didn’t push it through because he didn’t want him to change his mind and leave John. When they got to the wall John had previously been trying to climb and the boy picked a spot and run up the wall until he could just barely reach the round story window and climbed to John’s room. He called down to double check that it was him room and then somehow opened the window and crawled in. He disappeared for a minute and stuck a thumbs up out the window for Jon to come back. He took the elevator that time. It was annoying that he had followed the boy downstairs in the first place. It seemed rather unnecessary now. He was the boy sitting in front of his open door with a stupid smirk on his face.

“Can you just stay here until I fix the door? In case it locks again and I’m locked out again.”

“I just climbed a building for you and you want me to stay with you so I can do it again?”

John fidgeted. “Well, no. I mean, I wouldn’t make you climb it again, but you could just wait in the room so I can see if the lock is actually fixed. If you could just not steal anything and then make a daring escape by climbing out the window, that would be fantastic.” 

The boy shrugged and sprawled out on Karkat’s bed. The thought to stop him crossed John’s mind very fleetingly, but he decided he didn’t care because it wasn’t his bed. The boy was very quiet as John worked on the lock (which was a lot harder to fix than it was to break). The silence unnerved John a lot, and he felt like he should say something, but when he finally decided to open his mouth, he heard something that sounded a lot like a snore from the direction of Karkat’s bed and didn’t want to disturb him if he was that tired. 

It took about twenty minutes of John fiddling with the lock and trying to fish out the piece of tape. He had eventually thrown the contents of his water bottle at the door to try and make the tape less sticky. It was really very sticky tape, very high quality stuff. It was Karkat’s tape. John had used almost the entire roll to make the lock stick. He thought he had gotten it all out, so he made sure he was positive that his keys were in his pocket before letting the door shut behind him. After it clicked shut, John realized he didn’t know how heavy of a sleeper the boy was and he might not wake up if John started knocking because he got locked out. Which, he was unhappy to discover, he was. He allotted himself a few minutes to jiggle the lock and quadruple check he was using the right keys before frantically knocking to be let back in. He knocked for thirty seconds before sticking his face in the door crack and talking as loud as he could without yelling, trying to wake the boy up.

He stood there for fifteen seconds before he heard footsteps, and another five until the door opened and the boy glared at him through his shades. John wasn’t sure that he was actually glaring at him, but the way the boy’s face was set certainly implied that was the case.

“Were you really sleeping?” John asked as the boy collapsed back onto Karkat’s bed. 

The boy didn’t say anything. Again, the shades hindered his abilities to tell what the boy was doing. He was pretty sure he was ignoring him, but there was always the possibility he had fallen asleep again. Maybe he had narcolepsy. This time, John turned around periodically to make sure he was still lying on the bed and not stealing anything. After John had for sure gotten all the tape out, he stood by Karkat’s bed, not sure if he should be waking him up so he could test the door again. John decided against it, because he didn’t see how there could possibly be anything left. Sure enough, when he put his key in, he heard the deadbolt slide out of its slot and he opened the door.

He now had to figure out what to do with the sleeping boy, who had been quiet enough that John was pretty sure he was asleep. He didn’t really see a problem letting him sleep for a little while. The problem was that he misjudged how long he had until Karkat got back and saw a total stranger sleeping on his bed. It would have been somewhat tolerable if John even knew what his name was.

“Who the fuck is on my bed?” Karkat said the second he walked in.

“Well,” John tried to explain the situation delicately. “The door got locked and I wasn’t able to get it open, so this guy climbed in the window and unlocked it for me.” John didn’t see any reason for Karkat to know _why_ the door was locked. 

“I asked why the fuck he was on my bed.”

“He’s sleeping,” John shrugged. He was going to leave it at that, but Karkat’s face looked somewhat volcanic, so he decided to explain a little further. “I don’t know why he’s sleeping, but I’d assume it’s because he’s tired from climbing the wall.”

“And he picked my fucking bed?”

“I don’t know the factors that influenced his decision. Why don’t you ask him?” It was stupid to think that would scare Karkat into leaving him alone.

“What’s his name?”

“We haven’t gotten that far in our introductions yet.”

“Fuck,” Karkat walked over to his bed and maneuvered the mattress out from underneath the boy. Which, understandably, woke him up very quickly. “Why are you sleeping in my bed?”

The boy yawned. “Your friend had me climb a building because he can’t rig a lock and I got tired.”

“Were you trying to pull another fucking prank on me, Egbert?”

“No. That’d be stupid,” John picked up his backpack. “This debacle has made me very behind on my homework. I really must be going.”

Karkat took a step back to block the door. John didn’t think he would be allowed to leave. Whoever the boy was told Karkat what happened, John couldn’t do a lot to stop him without looking even more suspicious. Karkat dismissed the boy son afterwards. John felt like the boy winked at him before he walked out the door. The shades were really a hindrance to reading emotion and facial expressions. Karkat did not look happy with either of them and slammed the door in the boy’s face. 

“Wait,” John wrenched the door open, “What’s your name?” he half-yelled down the hall.

The boy stopped and turned, “Dave.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [notsofancy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsofancy/pseuds/notsofancy) for beta'ing this!

As expected, Karkat spent about fifteen minutes screaming at John after Dave left. John tried his best to apologize to him, but he really wasn’t sorry. It was hard to be sorry about a failed prank that had no effect on the intended target whatsoever. He let Karkat yell at him for a little while longer, because he thought it might be therapeutic for Karkat to yell “fuck” at someone for fifteen minutes. And John didn’t want to interfere with his calming process or whatever it was that Karkat did.

He yelled until it was dinnertime, and then he left abruptly to go get food. John stared after him. He wasn’t very hungry. It was also possible that Karkat had been so fussy because he was just hungry. John didn’t like to assume that Karkat had reasons for yelling besides he was just always mad. It made him sound like a better person that way.

John sat with Rose at dinner. Karkat was sitting with Jade a few tables over. He stopped talking every once in a while to glare at John. Rose smirked every time it happened. John would have appreciated it if she gave him some support, but he had told her what happened and she thought the entire thing was hilarious and would allegedly have reacted the same way as Karkat had. John didn’t think she would. Rose had a significantly higher tolerance level for John’s shenanigans than Karkat did. She liked to pretend she was cranky too though. When John mentioned Dave, Rose’s mouth dropped open. She apparently knew him. And thought he was a shit. John interpreted “shit” as a loving term.

“You had Strider climb up your wall to open a door for you?”

“I just said that.”

“Why did you let a stranger into your dorm? That’s asking for your stuff to be stolen.”

“Well, he looked trustworthy.”

Rose gave him a look. “Could you even see his eyes?”

“That’s immaterial. You don’t need to see eyes to know if somebody is trustworthy.”

“Eyes are the window to the soul,” she said in a joking tone, but John wasn’t sure how much of a joke it was.

“What’s the problem with me letting him in my dorm though?”

“Nothing about him. It’s just not a good idea in general to let strangers into your room.”

“So why are you laughing?”

“Because you’ve had a conversation with him and that amuses me.”

“Why?”

Rose shrugged, “You guys should be friends. It would benefit you to hang out with someone besides me and Karkat.”

“I talk to Jade sometimes!” That wasn’t entirely true. Jade talked to Karkat a lot in their dorm, and John happened to be there most of the time. Occasionally he would add a few words to the conversation. It was technically talking to her.

“You should still have more than three friends.”

John didn’t have an argument for that. Especially with the frequency Karkat yelled at him and ended up actually pissing John off. But really the whole thing sounded more like Rose was trying to set him up on a date with Dave rather than trying to expand his social network. That seemed to be one of her favorite pastimes. John decided to leave it for now though. She tended to get defensive when he confronted her (he had learned fairly quickly not to confront her on her defensiveness) and it just turned into an “are not, are too!” fight. And as fun as John thought those were, they usually resulted in Rose ignoring him for a few days afterward.

A few days had gone by without Rose mentioning Dave, so John assumed she had forgotten about it, and forgot about it himself. He would see Dave walking around campus and wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do about it. He had half raised his hand in a gesture of salutation, and Dave did something that looked like it could possibly be a response. Another time, John had tried to nod in Dave’s general direction, but he was almost positive Dave had rolled his eyes at him because of that. The shades prevented the knowledge of what actually happened. So John stopped trying to acknowledge Dave’s existence and it was fine. He started to wonder if Dave even knew who he was because he wasn’t saying anything to John either, and usually people greeted each other when they knew each other. But then Rose brought it up again and wouldn’t drop it.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:13

TT: Have you talked to Dave at all?  
EB: no, he's been ignoring me when i try to say hi to him. i don't really see a point anymore.  
TT: His chumhandle is turntechGodhead.  
EB: why are you telling me this?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:15

EB: hi dave.  
TG: who are you  
TG: are you the kid that made me break into his dorm why is rose making me talk to you  
TG: do you have a crush on me or something  
EB: what? no i'm not gay. i don't know why rose is making us talk. i thought there was something you wanted to tell me or something.  
TG: nada  
TG: while im here do you care if i show you some of my hella sweet ass rhymes  


John didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to that. He was fairly certain that his definition of hella sweet ass didn’t really include poetry.

EB: you know you dont really seem like the poet type.  
TG: no not poetry  
TG: well in a way poetry  
TG: actually yeah id say my rhymes are poems  
EB: what are they then?  
TG: hella sweet ass raps  
EB: oh.  
EB: i'm not really into rap.  
TG: well youre into my raps  
TG: everyone is into my raps  
EB: do you have a reason why people like them other than they're hella sweet ass?  
TG: do i need one  
EB: i mean i dont like raps in general, so itd be nice to have another reason.  
TG: maybe you should be branching out in your taste in literature  
EB: what do you know about my taste in literature?  
TG: that you dont like rap  
TG: and thats all i need to know  


John’s screen was overtaken by a lot of red text that rhymed. He didn’t really know what the words Dave was using meant and the entire thing seemed fairly nonsensical to him. It seemed to be centered around a puppet.

TG: see  
TG: you loved that didnt you  
EB: i don’t really have a lot to compare it to.  
EB: i guess it was ok  
TG: youre lacking rhythm i can feel it egbert  
EB: how do you know my last name?  
TG: rose told me  
EB: why?  
TG: i dont know ask her  


ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 00:26

EB: you can't give me a lecture about the dangers of letting stranger into my dorm room and then tell the same person what my last name is.  
TT: Okay, but I actually know him and am friends with him.  
EB: he keeps rapping at me.  
TT: How’s that going?  
EB: why are you making me be friends with a rapper?  
EB: i don't like rap  
TT: Maybe you should be branching out in your taste in literature.  
EB: is he telling you what were talking about?  
TT: ;)

tenteacleTherepist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:29

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:29

TG: what did she say  
EB: that i should broaden my taste in literature  
TG: did you complain to her about rap the whole time  
EB: first of all i wasnt even gone for five minutes.  
EB: and i just told her that you were rapping at me.  
TG: you love it you just have to feel the rhythm eggy  
EG: eggy?  
TG: yeah its my affectionate nickname for you  
TG: also rose told me to tell you that karkat is not being affectionate when he calls you fuckass  
EB: sometimes he is though like he says it nicely  
TG: okay who is karkat  
TG: and why did his parents name him that  
TG: do they hate him or something  
EB: he's my roommate and i don't know why his parents did that.  
TG: the yelly asshole  
EB: yeah.  
TG: okay with all due respect i dont think anything that boy says is affectionate  
TG: hes like a walking piss storm  
EB: thats a little harsh.  
TG: are you arguing with its accuracy  
EB: well, not really but hes not all bad.  
EB: hey, do you know why rose is even having us talk?  
TG: no  
EB: she told me she wanted us to be friends.  
TG: okay we can be friends if you send me a video of you saying my hella sweet ass rhymes with some rhythm  
EB: you want me to send you a video of me rapping?  
TG: yes

John wasn’t sure how he was supposed to rap. He was fairly certain that he was supposed to have a beat of some sort, but as soon as they thought crossed his mind, Dave sent a file transfer that had something that resembled a beat. It felt weird to set up his laptop’s webcam and get the lyrics so he could rap for a strange boy who would be his friend because another one of his friend wanted them to be. The situation was odd. And John didn’t know why exactly he pressed the record button and began rapping into the camera, but that was exactly what he did. And then he went ahead and sent it to Dave. When he was recording it, he didn’t really care how it sounded, but after he had sent it, he found himself fretting over how it sounded.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:48

TG: i gave you some sick beats and hella sweet ass rhymes and i dont know how you managed to make it sound that bad  
EB: i told you that i don't like rap.  
TG: that doesnt mean you have to suck that much ass  
EB: well, usually, when you don't like something you aren't very good at it.  
TG: well you cant rap for shit  
TG: but ill make an exception and be your friend anyway if rose wants me to  
EB: is rose more important than me?  
TG: what  
EB: well if you're going to befriend someone, you should be friends because they're cool.  
TG: i mean youre rad enough  
TG: i wouldnt make an exception if I didnt think you had potential  
EB: well then i'm touched.  


  
“Who are you talking to?” Karkat’s harsh voice sounded behind him.

“Dave.”

“Who the fuck is Dave?”

“That guy that helped me back in here after I tried to lock you out.”

Karkat rolled his eyes pointedly and turned around. John didn’t want to give into Karkat’s complaining and sulking, but he had actual homework that need to get finished, and talking about rapping with a stranger wasn’t doing anything to help get it done. So he told Dave he was leaving to do work and did his homework. He didn’t however, log off Pesterchum. Dave left him a variety of messages detailing how John was a liar and how he had seriously damaged the trust he had in him. Lying, apparently, was not rad. John had gotten annoyed enough with the constant notification noises that he gave up and logged off. He usually kept it on most of the time in case someone really needed him for something, but it was going on one thirty and he really needed to write an essay. Emergencies could wait for a few hours. Or they could just call him. That was a pretty radical idea though.

It was about two when John reached the conclusion that he probably wasn’t going to get the essay done. He sort of wanted to check Pesterchum one last time before he went to bed, but he was halfway through typing his typing his username and Karkat screeched at him to get off the damn computer and go to bed already. So John got off the damn computer and went to bed already. He was on the verge of falling asleep on his keyboard that Dave’s messages could wait. At least Rose would be happy they were talking. He would be screwed tomorrow when he didn’t have the essay done, but he might be able to work something out with the professor. It wasn’t a huge college, so generally he knew his professors pretty well and got along with them. It helped that John gave the impression he was a dedicated student. H didn’t know why exactly people thought that, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. John had no qualms with keeping up the appearance, he came to class on time, he took out his notebook to make it look like he was taking notes, he nodded along with the lecture, it was all a bunch of shit, but it helped him tremendously in situation like the one he was currently in.

As it turned out, John wasn’t able to get an extension, nor would he be allowed to submit it late for partial credit, so he printed off the page and a half he had written last night turned it in. His professor looked very disappointed in him. John thought he would care a lot more than he did. It was stupid he had to write essays in a science class anyway. He missed high school. That wasn’t something that was said very often. He missed the part of high school that let him get essay extensions and turn in late assignments.

He was somewhat inclined to blame his poor grade on Dave for keeping him up and distracting him with the constant messages, but that wouldn’t be very adult of him. Then again, he was only nineteen And teenagers were known for not taking responsibility for their own actions. Regardless, he couldn’t use Dave as an excuse to his professor, so he spent the rest of the class clicking his pen and trying to not be too upset. He could still pass if he did well on the exam, which he was planning on doing. He usually was able to get more things done during finals week, he didn’t know why. It was something to do with the studious atmosphere that came with everyone shitting themselves over finals.

John was walking back to his dorm after class when he saw Dave walking with Rose. He shrugged before deciding to go up to him and actually have a conversation with him in person.

“You started ignoring me, Eggy,” Dave said once John was in earshot. “Rad people don’t ignore people .And I’m not friends with people who aren’t rad. I bet Rose is hella disappointed that you shit all over our chance to be friends.”

“I had to write an essay,” John defended lamely. “Um, I need to go though,” John really hadn’t thought the situation through. He didn’t have anything to say to him other than “hi” and Dave had just gone ahead and skipped that entire part of the conversation.

“You don’t have class now. Come to the library with us,” Rose offered.

“What are you doing there?” John raised his eyebrows. Dave seemed like less of a library person than a poetry person.

“Sitting on the roof,” he said.

Well, that made more sense. “I don’t know how to climb buildings. I’m not sure if you remember me trying to get into my window before I asked you to do it instead, but I doubt me climbing the library would end with my skull intact.

Dave shrugged and walked away, but Rose grabbed John’s hand and dragged him along without an explanation.

“Guys, this is going to end with me having a concussion.”

“Not if you refrain from falling,” Rose tightened her grip on John’s wrist.

“I’m not really in control of that.”

“This is an important life skill, Egbert,” Dave said when they got there.

John had never really paid attention to the architecture of the library before. It was a fairly typical and unassuming library. John could see how one would be able to climb it, but he sincerely doubted he had the physical abilities to do so. Theoretically, Dave and Rose could just lift him up to the lowest section of the roof and he would be able to get up to the top from there because the roof was terraced and each terrace was fairly similar in height to the ones next to it. John hadn’t counted on them doing that without consulting him. Dave lazily climbed the wall and held his hand out for John to take. It really wasn’t very high, only about a foot and a half out of his reach. The last time he had even done a pull up successfully was about seventh grade. Without warning, Rose walked behind him and pushed him up until he could grab Dave’s hand. He tried as hard as he could to get up the brick himself, but he started falling anyway. Rose stepped away because she thought John was fine, but he actually wasn’t. Luckily, Dave reached down and grabbed the back of John’s collar. He was expecting Dave to flip over him, but he was somehow able to yank John onto the roof next to him.

“My hero,” John said gruffly after he landed. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy he didn’t fall, but Dave had sort of cut off his breathing when he pulled him up. Once he regained his breath, he looked over the edge to see how Rose was doing with climbing the wall, but she had left. He turned around to ask Dave if he saw where she went, only to see him jumping up to the next tier of the roof. John didn’t really have a choice besides following him.

Dave seemed to be used to people unquestionably following him (or he just didn’t care one way or another), because he didn’t look behind him once until he was at the top. John reached the top quite a bit later to see Dave with a cigarette between his lips. John found himself oddly shocked and disappointed in Dave’s cancerous activities, but he couldn’t think of a way to stop it. So he made the questionable decision of plucking the cigarette from his mouth and throwing it off the roof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mess with Pesterchum formatting because it's late and I wanted to get this up tonight. I might add it in when I have more time.


	3. Chapter 3

“Rude. That’s how you get the shit beat out of you,” Dave grumbled as he fished the packet out of his pocket again and lit another one. “I was going to offer you one, but I have a feeling you aren’t interested.”

“Do you have to do that?” John knew he was the one that had followed him, but it was still bothering him. 

“This is the reason I came up here. My roommate doesn’t like me smoking in our room.”

“It does kind of smell bad,” John nodded.

“You get used it though. Have you ever tried it?” John shook his head. “Then don’t knock it. You ended up liking rap, didn’t you?”

“No, I didn’t!” 

Dave gave him a look. “You were the one who liked my rhymes so much you started actually rapping to them.”

“Because you made me.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to be my friend so badly you felt forced because of that.”

“Would you really beat the shit out of someone for throwing a cigarette?” John asked.

“It was mine.”

“But it’s a cigarette.”

“Smoking is expensive,” Dave shrugged.

“But you were going to offer me one anyway.”

“I knew you were going to say no.”

“Yeah? How?” 

Dave bit back a chuckle, “I mean, you don’t really look like a smoker.”

“Neither do you.”

“I look like more than one than you do. You don’t look nearly rad enough.” John didn’t look amused. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? You’re rad, Eggy,” Dave patted his shoulder in mock consolation. “You just aren’t hella rad.”

“I feel much better now, thanks.”

“Of course you do. I make everything better. Usually through my rhymes, but there are always exceptions.” They sat in silence for a minute. “You know, this is kind of like a date.”

“What?” John jumped away from him. “No, it isn’t!”

“Sort of though. We’re alone. On a rooftop. We can stay up here until sundown and it’ll be super romantic.”

“Who the hell says sundown?”

“I’m not going to say sunset. That sounds stupid.”

“And you think sundown doesn’t? Where are you from? Do people actually say that outside of movies?”

“Texas.”

John snorted. “You’re a white rapper from Texas. Why don’t you have a drawl?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you rap it away?”

“Probably.”

John wanted to go do his homework. And get something to eat, but he couldn’t really get down by himself and Dave had decided to sit with his legs hanging off the edge of the library. John thought that looked dangerous, so he sat a foot away from the ledge and drew his legs to his chest. They sat in silence until Dave finished his cigarette. He offered the packet to John, just in case. John decided to take one. As long as he was stuck up there, he might as well just take one. It wasn’t like he would find his first cigarette enjoyable, he had never heard of anyone liking it the first time. Dave looked happy when he leaned over to light it. John looked at it for a minute, and then back at Dave, who took the cigarette and positioned it differently in John’s hand and brought it closer to his mouth. It wasn’t pressuring, he felt like he could stop anytime he wanted. But he didn’t really want to and took a small drag, which resulted in a very intense coughing fit and Dave patting him on the back to try and get him to stop. John looked at him when he was finishing gagging to see Dave smiling widely and steadily smoking between giggles. John stubbed his out of the roof and threw it off the building.

“Hey!” Dave took his cigarette from his mouth. “Stop wasting them!”

‘Why do you smoke?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, that wasn’t the start of an anti-smoking lecture. Like, I don’t know anyone who had a reaction other than mine when they smoke for the first time, so I don’t get why they continue.”

“Shit, I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should think about that.”

Dave did not look impressed. “Okay, Mom. This is kind of a weird date. Usually when I date people, they don’t start psychoanalyzing why I smoke.”

”I’m not gay! This is not a date. Was Rose trying to set us up then? Is that why you think it’s a date? She likes doing that. A lot. Does she do it to you?”

“No, but I mean, I don’t need to get laid as badly as you do.”

“Fuck you.”

“It’s okay, it’ll happen. Just have to be patient.”

“I’ll throw your whole pack off if you don’t shut up.

“I don’t care. They’ll be in the box.”

“Individually.”

“They’re in my back pocket. Want to take them?” Dave smiled and stubbed his out before he stood up and offered a hand up to John. “I need to fly.”

“I think you’ll find that difficult without wings.”

“You know what I mean. I need to go though. Smell you later.”

“Wait, I need help down.”

He made a big deal out of it, but Dave went slowly and made sure John got back on the ground relatively unscathed. John had more than questionable decision of taking the final leap onto the pavement instead of the grass, and Dave wasn’t able to completely stop his fall. So he was slightly scathed, but his neck wasn’t broken and his skull was intact, and John was more than willing to accept that. Dave left after making sure John was actually okay, and left him to walk to his dorm alone. 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 04:17.

EB: what the hell, rose?  
TT: ?  
EB: where did you go?  
TT: I thought you two would appreciate some privacy.  
EB: no. it was just really awkward. we hardly know each other.  
TT: But you do now.  
TT: ;)  
EB: what?

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 04:21.

John sighed and put his phone back in his pocket so he could pay attention to actually walking back to his dorm without running into everything. Karkat wasn’t there and he actually got quite a bit of homework finished before he came storming in two hours later.

“Why the fuck does it smell like smoke?” he yelled and walked closer to John. “Do you fucking smoke? Since when do you fucking smoke?” he sniffed John’s shoulder. “What the fuck?”

“I wasn’t smoking. I was sitting next to someone who was. And I tried one. It didn’t work out.”

“Go take a fucking shower.”

“Why?”

“You fucking stink,” Karkat threw the window open. “And don’t fucking start smoking. I’m not fucking dealing with smelling you.”

John seriously considered buying a pack of cigarettes and planting them around the room next to bottles of Febreeze. He took a shower to make Karkat calm down and came back to see him sticking his head out the window and taking huge gulps of air. “Will you stop overreacting?” 

“No,” Karkat didn’t put his head back inside. 

“I took a shower. It doesn’t even smell in here anymore.” 

Karkat ignored him, so he just started to do his homework until Karkat got uncomfortable enough to put his head back inside, which didn’t take very long at all.

“Who were you with?” 

“Dave.”

“Why?”

“Because Rose made me follow them and then left us on the roof.”

Karkat stared. “Why the fuck were you on the roof?”

“Because Dave went up and Rose was pretending to, so I followed them.”

“And you were just alone on the roof smoking?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that all you did?”

“What the hell? No! Why would you think that?”

“Because that’s what people do on rooftops.”

John glared at him and turned toward his homework. He heard Karkat let out an amused but still annoyed sigh (he hadn’t know that was possible) and heard his bed creak when Karkat sat on it. 

“Are you fucking pouting because I implied you did something romantic with Dave on a rooftop?”

“No. I just have a lot of homework. I need to get done and the conversation wasn’t really going anywhere.”

“It’s okay if you like him.”

John threw a notebook at him with impressive gusto. “Why does everyone think that? I’ve talked to him like three times.”

‘Denial is the first step to acceptance,” Karkat patted his shoulder. “You’re starting the grieveing process. I would probably be grieving too if I liked him.”

“Maybe you do. You’re just projecting your feelings onto me so you don’t have to deal with them yourself.”

“I have a fucking girlfriend.” 

“What the hell? Since when?”

“July.”

“Who?”

“Jade.”

What? Really?” Karkat nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not something you need to know. It’s not really any of your fucking business?”

“Is that why you’re nicer to her than you are to everybody else?”

“No. I’m nicer to her because she’s not a fucking idiot.”

“So, everyone is an idiot except for her?”

“And me. And she’s an idiot. You’re just a bigger one.”

“That’s good to know,” John nodded sarcastically and started taking notes again. Karkat didn’t go back to his side of the room and laid on John’s bed while he played on his phone.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 05:03.

CG: HEY FUCKASS.

John glared at his laptop and then at Karkat, “If you want me to talk, use your words.”

CG: THIS IS MORE FUN. AND IT ANNOYS YOU.

“Okay, but the notifications are annoying.”

CG: THEN MUTE YOUR FUCKING LAPTOP.  
EB: no, i might get actual messages.  
CG: MY MESSAGES ARE FUCKING ACTUAL MESSAGES.  
EB: but you’re right next to me and you can just talk out loud.  
CG: WELL I’M SORRY I HAVE A FUCKING SORE THROAT. LET ME JUST PUT MYSELF IN IMMENSE PAIN FOR YOUR CONVINIENCE.  
EB: you do sound like you’re getting a little sick. do you want a lozenge?  
CG: WHO THE FUCK SAYS LOZENGE?  
EB: that’s what they’re called???  
EB: what do you suggest i call them?  
CG: THROAT DROPS.  
EB: i’ll endeavor to do so in the future.  
CG: WHERE ARE THEY?  
EB: i’ll tell you if you stop messaging me and let me do my homework.

Karkat agreed. John took care to give him one of the gross milk and honey ones and hid the actual good flavors. Karkat didn’t bother to hide the look of disappointment when he saw what kind of lozenge it was. It wasn’t a prank really, but John still got the satisfaction he did when he pranked him. Karkat curled up in his bed facing the wall and started doing something on his phone. John was hoping that Karkat would keep talking, because he really didn’t want to do his homework. He could only get it done when Karkat wasn’t there. His presence was somewhat unnerving. John took some notes absentmindedly until Karkat got bored and left, and then he finally started on his lab write-up. He was making fairly good progress until his Pesterchum started pinging rapidly. John did the responsible thing and muted it so he could continue to type in peace. But that didn’t stop the notifications in his taskbar to continually pop up. He broke after about thirty seconds of starting.

It was a wall of red text.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 06:17.

EB: i have a new rule for you.  
TG: im gonna tell you straight up eggy  
TG: if the rule is not more sending you raps im ignoring it  
EB: the rule was that they needed to be all one message.  
TG: character limits  
EB: write shorter raps.  
EB: or just tell them to me in person or something. that might help with my alleged inability o feel your raps or whatever  
TG: i think youre pretty hopeless as far as feeling it goes  
EB: you’re doing wonders for my self esteem.  
TG: okay but i dont care about your self esteem  
TG: i only care about whether you can feel the rhythm of the night  
EB: another rule is you can’t reference debarge  
TG: you are so lame (lame) and have no game  
EB: don’t you dare.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 06:43.

John tried to not be disappointed Dave had left. The rapping wasn’t really bothering him. He liked it. Just a little. John pretended Dave was sending him poetry about things he felt passionately about, it helped make the rapping significantly more enjoyable (and entertaining). He could actually focus on his homework again, but it was more fun fighting with Dave about rapping. He almost messaged him again, but the lab report was glaring at him, and John really wasn’t in a position to skip assignments in any of his science classes. He was aware that midterms were creeping closer and he still had no idea what the fuck he was doing in any of his classes. Not that the lab report was helping him understand what was happening anymore, but it would provide a small amount of cushion for his grade. 

At least he could make kickass Punnett squares.

Sort of.

He was surprised he finished before the dining hall was closed and he could get dinner and actually sit and eat it. It was nice. He hadn’t been able to sit and relax while he ate since summer. He was just starting to get lonely, and then Dave pulled out the chair across from him and sat himself down. He had a box of apple juice from a box when four hours earlier he had been trying his best to look badass while he smoked on the roof. And somehow, he still looked cool.

“Hey, Eggy.”

John frowned. “Could you stop calling me that?”

“No. I had a question about the rapping rule. Does that include when we talk on the phone?”

“Um. I guess not. You don’t have my number though.”

Dave look out his phone and typed something. John’s phone buzzed a second later. 

:yes i do

“Did Rose give you my phone number?”

“Yes. But I also thought that would be a fucking smooth way to ask someone for their number.”

“But you already had mine.”

“Would you have given it to me if I didn’t though?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t actually heard you rap before, so I don’t know if I want you to be calling me at three in the morning to throw down some rhymes.”

“I don’t throw down rhymes at three in the morning. Usually I’m sleeping. Also, what’s so wrong with getting a call from me at three in the morning?”

“I mean, you can call me at three in the morning, just not to rap.”

“Why else would I call you?” John didn’t have an answer for that. Dave considered for a minute. “Can I call you to talk about my feelings?”

“Sure?” John didn't catch the irony.

“Hella.”

“I didn’t know hella could be used like that/”

“Hella can be used anyway you want to.”

“Good to know.”

“Are you going to start using it?” Dave looked excited.

“No. It’s kind of a stupid word.”

Dave dropped his juice box and glared at him. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, it’s an intensifier and an adjective? Really?”

Dave threw his juice box at him and left. “I thought you were better than that, Eggy.”

John just went back to his dorm and played games until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. He had math notes to take, but he still had two more days, and not doing them would mean he would get ten hours of sleep. And ten hours of sleeping sounded very attractive to him. Karkat woke him up around midnight when he came in and slammed the door, but he fell asleep fairly quickly afterwards, only slightly hindered by the faint glow coming from Karkat’s bed. He was curious about what he was doing, and then he thought about how late it was and Karkat was sitting entirely under the blanket, which made John think maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.

It was rather spectacular to wake up the next morning before his alarm clock. That had never happened ever. He sat in his bed for a few minutes while he came to terms with the fact he was awake at six in the morning and felt good about it. And then he decided to go to the gym. He wasn’t sure why he thought that was a good idea. He untangled his earbuds and got the treadmill all ready and then remembered that he hated running and didn’t want to exercise. And then promptly went to the locker room to just go ahead and get ready. He could kill more time eating breakfast or something.

“Eggy!” Dave yelled as John walked into the shower room. John doubled checked he was adequately covered by his towel. “What are you doing here?”

“I was going to work out.”

“So you’re taking a shower first.”

“I decided I didn’t want to work out. Why are you here?” 

“These showers are cleaner than the ones in my dorm.”

John stared, horrified. “How awful are your dorm showers?”

“Hella.”

John rolled his eyes and stepped behind the corner to turn the water on. He was half expecting Dave to follow him and keep talking, but he heard water turn on from the other side of the wall. He froze. If he finished his shower first, he would have to walk by a naked Dave to get to his stuff. He tried to take as long as he could, but after he dried off, he still hear Dave’s shower going. HE tried to bide more time, and eventually just had to suck it up and walk by. It wasn’t like John didn’t have to see naked men when he got ready in the morning anyway. John wasn’t quite sure how he knew it, because he definitely was not looking at Dave, but he walked out of the shower room with the knowledge that Dave had a nice ass.


	4. Chapter 4

There were some issues with knowing what Dave’s ass looked like. First and foremost, John couldn’t stop thinking about it. He had always been able to appreciate aesthetics, and Dave just happening to have an aesthetically pleasing ass. It wasn’t like John could just go up to Dave and tell him that. He didn’t think Dave would have an issue with John seeing him naked, John just had an issue with Dave knowing that John had been curious enough to actually look. And maybe John was a little mad at himself for looking. But that sort of self-analysis was something that he had sworn to refrain from. So he didn’t think about that.

Immediately, it wasn’t an issue because John didn’t see him. If he didn’t have to look at Dave, it was easy enough to forget his ass. John instead put extra effort into focusing on his classes and note taking. He was somewhat distracted while he worked, but he was absorbing the information, he was just in a trance while he did it. That was good. At lunch he also did a lot of ignoring everything. Every blond boy that walked past him made him force his head down and concentrate very hard on chewing and his food. Karkat sat across from him and he almost had a heart attack because he thought he was Dave.

“Why are you so fucking jumpy?” Karkat frowned. “Did you fucking kill someone or something?”

“I’m just trying to avoid Dave.”

“Good. He’s fucking annoying.”

“No, that’s no it. I just need some time away from him.”

“Strider’s pretty fucking bummed about that.”

John looked at him, confused. “How do you know that?”

“I’m right here,” Dave put his hands on John’s shoulders in mock fatherly affection. “Are you breaking up with me?

“Shut up.”

“Eggy’s uncomfortable because I know his nipples are off center.”

“I’ve noticed,” Karkat agreed.

“No they aren’t!”

“A little bit,” Dave dug his thumbs into John’s shoulders and started rubbing. “It’s okay.”

“They aren’t off center though.”

“They’re crooked. You don’t need to be in denial about it. Mine are weird, too. No one has perfect nipples, it’s just something we all have to deal with. My ass is fucking perfection. But you know that.”

John gaped before burying his head in his hands. Dave patted his head. It didn’t really do all the much to console John. He was tryin to figure out how Dave had even noticed he had looked, obviously his back was facing John and there weren’t mirrors anywhere near either of them. He didn’t want to ask him how because that would be admitting that he had looked and Karkat was sitting right there. Somehow, John just had a weird feeling Karkat wouldn’t really let that one slide. John had to congratulate himself on his response though.

“Why would I know that?”

“Because you looked at my ass when you walked by me in the shower.”

John hadn’t thought of Dave responding with that. He was just sort of hoping he would get the hint. “Oh, you wish.”

Dave took his hands off John’s shoulders and pulled up a chair. “I’d like you to look me in the eye and tell me that you did not look at me any longer than you had to.”

John looked him in the eye and told him that he did not look at him any longer than strictly necessary.

“Karky, why didn’t you warn me Eggy was such a liar?”

“Do not ever fucking call me fucking Karky, you fucking fuck nugget.”

Dave blinked. “You’re very creative. I like how you combine profanity with nouns that would otherwise be accepted by society. Pound it,” Dave reached his arm out for a fist bump, Karkat did not pound it. Dave put his hand down dejectedly. Karkat didn’t appear to care that he had so thoroughly rejected Dave. “You’re kind of a partypooper, Karkalicious.”

Karkat left.

“High five, Eggy. I made him go away.”

John high fived him and Dave moved into Karkat’s chair.

“Do you think, in the future, you could not talk about any alleged peeping on you in public. Mostly just not around Karkat though. He already thinks I’m weird.”

“Are you trying to justify staring at me in the shower?” Dave cocked an eyebrow and look unnervingly challenging. “It’s not very nice to spy on people.”

“You were the one staring at my nipples. I walked by when you were naked and I happened to see your ass.”

“What would you give it?” Dave kicked his feet up on the chair next to him.

“What?” 

“Like, out of ten. What would you rate my ass?”

John sat for a minute. He wasn’t originally going to answer, but Dave had asked in such a matter-of-fact tone that he felt like he would really appreciate constructive criticism. “I’d give it an eight point three.”

“What lost the one point seven points?”

“It was pale.”

“But it’s the same color as the rest of me. I could see a deduction for it being different.”

“Yeah, but it was pasty. The rest of you is just pale. Maybe you should moisturize or something,” John suggested.

“I’m not putting moisturizer on my ass cheeks.”

John shrugged.

“Do you?”

“No, but my ass isn’t ashy,” John said defensively.

“You just said mine was pasty! How can it be pasty and ashy?”

“I don’t know. Don’t ask me why your ass is inferior.”

“You gave it an eight point three. That’s a good score.”

“If you’re happy with a B minus, I’m not going to piss on your parade.”

Dave stood up. “Good. I don’t want egg piss all over my parade.”

“My piss is not egg piss. It’s normal.”

“I don’t want normal piss on my parade either. Ideally, it would be a piss free parade,” Dave walked away.

John didn’t think that he had gone nearly as bad as it could have. Dave hadn’t even seemed very upset that John looked at him naked. In hindsight, Dave didn’t seem like the type to get especially angry over that. Jon still had to deal with the issue of Karkat knowing, but that was somewhat manageable. The knowledge that Dave knew and wasn’t completely irate significantly helped John calm down for his last class. Not that it would have been a big deal if he was still nervous. It wasn’t a super important class. But still, John didn’t find himself missing the bubbling knot that had tied itself in the pit of his stomach. Since he had been concentrating all day, he was still in a working mood and that continued until he went back to his dorm and finished his homework. Then he just had to sit at his desk and be confused. That was two days in a row he had done his work in a timely manner. He needed a moment to process that. And then he watched Netflix for three hours.

“You know, maybe you would pass your fucking classes if you actually did your homework,” Karkat said as a greeting when he walked in.

John threw an essay at him. “I did.”

“I didn’t think it would take fucking Strider to make you get your life together. I mean, I’m fucking happy for you. I was getting worried.”

“Dave doesn’t have anything to do with me doing my homework. If anything, he’s distracting me from it.”

“But his presence itself is helping you. Did you really not notice that?”

John stared at him. “There’ve been two days that I’ve done my homework. I’ve known him for way longer.”

“But how long have you actually been fucking communicating with him?”

“More than two days! Will you stop trying to read into me doing my homework? It’s not that weird.”

“But it’s still light outside. That’s fucking weird.”

John was getting rather fed up with being psychoanalyzed, so he got up and left, leaving a confused Karkat standing in the room. In general, John didn’t appreciate the jokes about Dave. He couldn’t think of a tangible reason why they bothered him so much. A nasty little unhelpful voice in the back of his head hinted that it might bug him so much because it was true. He did his best to make that voice shut up. That voice liked to talk a lot, but mostly John would just rather it shut the hell up. It didn’t offer very good input and visually just made him upset or confused.

An hour later, John was sitting on the rim of a fountain on the other end of campus and the voice still hadn’t stopped. John tried to just entertain the idea of liking Dave just to see if it would shut up then. It wasn’t horrible. Not really that different from any of the other crushes, well, setting aside the fact Dave was a boy, it wasn’t different than any of his other crushes. The thing that weirded John out the most was that it didn’t feel wrong. That was even harder for him to rationalize. It was made even harder by that fucking voice whispering “gay” over and over again. It was getting increasingly harder to ignore it, too. John decided to just stop thinking about. If he really wanted to explore his sexuality because Karkat and the voice were being so persistent, he could do it in a more practical way than just thinking about it. Which of course meant that he was going to have to get hands on experience. That freaked him out more than just considering it.

Mostly though, John wanted to know what about the thought of him liking guys was so repulsive to him. He didn’t have a problem with other people being gay. As far as he knew, nobody is his family would ostracize him if he came out to them. Judging by his comments, Karkat wouldn’t either. It wasn’t an environmental fear then. And John knew it was a fear. He didn’t feel repulsed by being gay because he thought it was wrong. He was scared of something. John couldn’t think of anything he was really scared of besides not knowing about it. John had never really thought of himself as someone who was scared of new things. He would sometimes be a little apprehensive about them, but not to this degree. He conceded it would be best for him to bite the bullet and figure it out. John wasn’t really sure how he was supposed to go do that. It wasn’t like he could just go up to a boy and ask if he wanted to date. Or kiss. Or anything romantic and/or sexual in nature. He didn’t think he even knew any gay guys he could talk to about it either.

John’s train of thought was abruptly derailed by the realization of how much he was considering this. That implied the annoying voice was right. John never liked it when the annoying voice was right, and he might had mistaken it for his equally annoying voice of reason. He wanted to talk to Rose about it because Rose was somewhat intelligent and would probably have some idea what to do, but he couldn’t really go to Rose, because apparently she wanted him and Dave to date, and probably wouldn’t give him very unbiased advice. Neither would Karkat, but that didn’t have anything to do with who Karkat preferred John dated. As a general rule, Karkat gave shit advice.

John’s text tone went off.

DAVE: why are you sitting on the fountain  
DAVE: you look like a loser

John looked around wildly, trying to see where Dave was.

DAVE: im in my dorm room  
JOHN: why don’t you come down here and talk to me?  
DAVE: im naked  
DAVE: youre more than welcome to come up here though

John ignored that and continued to sit on the fountain like a loser. At least now he knew that the thought of Dave naked in his dorm room repelled him a bit. So maybe he wasn’t gay. Or, at least, not attracted to the thought of Dave hanging out naked. John wasn’t sure if anyone would be attracted to that though. John was staring ahead blankly when someone stood directly in front of him. He looked up to discover it was Dave. 

“I put clothes on for you, Eggy. That shows how much I care about you. Why’d you want me to come down?”

“Because you said I was a loser for being here alone.”

“No. I said you look like a loser for sitting on a damn fountain.”

“I’m on the rim. People sit on this all the time. It’s made for sitting. It’s practically a bench,” John gestured to the polished stone.

“Maybe you just always look like a loser.”

“You’re mean. I’m leaving. I didn’t know you came out here to insult me.”

“Aw, Eggers,” Dave sat down next to John. “Look, now I look like a loser, too. Except I never look like a loser. I came down here because you looked lonely. Why are you even here? Your dorm is on the other side of campus. And there’s a fountain over there you could sit on.”

“I’m avoiding Karkat. I came over here to think.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, the thinking was starting to piss me off.”

Dave shrugged and stayed. John had meant they could talk while they sat, but he was okay with silence, too. It was nice that it wasn’t the awkward silence, but John was getting bored after a little while. He was going to start talking, but it seemed like talking would ruin the silence or something, so John pretended that Karkat need him and he had to go. Judging by his outward indifference, Dave didn’t seem to think anything of it. John wasn’t sure why he was. They had sat on the fountain together for about five minutes and John had gotten bored and left. And now he was thinking he felt something. Maybe it was best he didn’t stay. He might continue examining the situation, and that would most certainly end in John coming up with absolutely ridiculous explanations for why Dave had blinked at the same time John had scratched his head.

It occurred to John after he had gone back to his dorm that Dave might have been a good person to ask about gayness. He didn’t know for sure that Dave was gay, but he felt like it was a safe assumption if Rose was trying to set them up. There was the issue that if John asked him, Dave could assume John liked him. He seemed arrogant enough to do that. Not unbearably arrogant, John could stand to be around him, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle being around him if Dave thought he liked him. And then Dave could like John. That was scarier than Dave thinking John liked him. John didn’t even like him, just the thought of what sort of teasing Dave would do just to embarrass him was enough to freak him out. And from what little he knew about Dave, it would probably result in him being embarrassed anyway. So John didn’t call him and ask to talk about either of their potential homosexualites.

John had made a grave error in letting Karkat get to him enough that he had actually started considering if he liked Dave. He didn’t. He hadn’t even felt any feelings of attraction toward him ever, he was just talking himself into agreeing with Karkat and Rose because that was the easy thing to do. It was idiotic and weak minded to let other people dictate who he found himself attracted to. John had realized that he had let it go too far when he was sitting and stewing about it four days later. He resolved to just stop thinking about it and just move on with his life. It was awaste of time to fight with himself about his sexuality. Whatever happened would happen, and he needed to be concentrating on the “graduate from college in four years” thing and not on whether or not he was open to the idea of a dick up his butt. So he just stopped thinking about it. Which worked really well for about three days.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 03:07.

TG: yo wssup eggy  
EB: why are you awake? it’s like three.  
TG: why are you awake  
EB: because i have homework.  
TG: maybe I have homework  
EB: do you?  
TG: nah  
EB: then why are you awake?  
TG: not tired  
TG: hey do you know what would be hella rad and super duper cool  
EB: for you to immediately cease saying super duper cool?  
TG: no fuck you  
TG: you should come to a party with me  
EB: why?  
TG: because itd be hella fun and i dont really know anyone there  
EB: okay, one, you don’t seem like the kind of person who would be all that bothered by not knowing anyone and, two you don’t know me all that well either.  
TG: it would be a bonding experience  
EB: why don’t you have a bonding experience with the other people at the party?  
TG: if you dont want to go thats fine  
EB: no, no, i want to go. i’m just curious why you asked me.  
EB: like, is it supposed to be like a date?

John pushed back from his desk and slammed his laptop shut. He didn’t know what had possessed him to type that and he was kind of freaking out a lot. He heard Pesterchum ding and took a deep breath before reopening the lid.

TG: i mean i guess yeah  
EB: wait, are you gay?  
TG: im so fuck rad my radness transcends sexuality  
EB: so yes?  
TG: no  
TG: can you read  
TG: i said my radess transcends sexuality  
TG: (that means i can get all the bitches)  
EB: did you just call me a bitch?  
TG: a lil bitch  
TG: *bit  
EB: you’re not funny.  
TG: well good thing im not going on a date with me  
TG: does this mean rose successfully set us up

John couldn’t respond to that due to shock that he had accidentally let Rose actually set him up with someone.


	5. Chapter 5

John wasn’t quite sure why he had agreed to that. Parties in general didn’t really appeal to John that much. Part of the lack of appeal parties had was his inability to hold his liquor. And he wasn’t one of the fun drunks either, he mostly just got sleepy and fell asleep on a couch, generally being unconscious in an environment with several other intoxicated college students wasn’t a very good idea. For a brief moment John thought it would be okay if he got stone cold drunk, because he would be with Dave, but he felt like Dave might be exactly the kind of college student to be avoided when passed out at parties. John then reconsidered going, but he didn’t want to back out of a commitment he had already made for no reason.

“I don’t think you’re putting yourself in a bad situation, I think you’re a fucking chicken,” Karkat said when John attempted to ask him for advice. 

“So, you’re telling me that you would make the same decision?”

“No, but I actually do things in my free time, so I don’t need to get out.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with my safety in this situation.”

“Grow the fuck up. You’re not going to die if you go to one party, if it gets too bad, just fucking leave.”

“I don’t think I’ll die, just that I’m putting myself in a situation that could turn out to be dangerous, and I don’t know Dave well enough to trust that he would be responsible and help me out if things get bad,” John wasn’t really paying attention to Karkat at that point, he was mostly trying to reason with himself, but at that point, he was mostly trying to reason with himself, but having Karkat there made it feel less like he was talking to himself. “I guess I could just not drink. Or there could not even be alcohol there. No, that’s stupid and unlikely. I’m just not going to drink.”

“There – your fucking problem is solved. Now fuck off.”

John didn’t fuck off, because it was his dorm too. But he did shut up and put his headphones in and went back to his game. Karkat seemed to appreciate that just as much as if John had actually fucked off. He wanted to be distracted from the party, because it was ridiculous that he was nervous. It wasn’t even the date with a guy that was making him nervous, and he felt that should be the freaky part. Eventually, he ripped off the headphones, threw the laptops off his legs, and left the room. He didn’t know where he wanted to go, but he figured that there were probably better ways to cope with being nervous than drowning himself in video games.

Unfortunately, John decided that the best way to stop worrying about passing out drunk was to raise his alcohol tolerance. So fifteen minutes later, he was following Rose into a seedy car that was barely off campus. It wasn’t a bar John would have chosen, but they were limited to places that would sell to them without even the most fake looking IDs. So John let Rose pick. She seemed like she would have fairly classy taste, so he doubted it would be her first choice, given it was legal for them to enter. 

Rose ordered his drink for him, which was good, because John was about to order a Mountain Dew. He had no idea what she had ordered for him, but it was very colorful and the glass was decorated. John was pretty sure she had ordered him a girly drink. He didn’t know how he felt about that, when he took a drink he couldn’t even taste the liquor, so he was concerned she had ordered him a virgin one, but he was starting to get lightheaded and uncomfortably warm halfway through it. That usually didn’t happen when he drank soda and juice.

“Dave invited me to a party,” John said when he was on his second rink. “Like, invited me as his date. I said yes. Was that a bad idea? What kind of parties does he even go to?”

“Wait, you’re going on a date with Dave?” You’ve definitely told me you were heterosexual on a multitude of occasions," she put her drink down dramatically, “Could it be,” she gasped, “that sexuality is significantly less rigid that you originally assumed and just need to think about things a little bit before you automatically reject them?”

“You’re a bitch, shut up. I really need to know what kind of parties he goes to so I can bail if it’s going to be too intense for me.”

“I think there is an equal possibility of it being too intense for you and it being your speed. If it is too intense, just don’t be an idiot and you’ll be fine. Just follow Dave around and it’ll be okay.”

“What it starts snorting crack or something?”

“You don’t snort crack. You snort coke.”

John took another drink. This was confusing him a lot. He had thought he knew at least how people took drugs. Really, that enlightenment had only made it so he was more sure he shouldn’t go to the party.

“Maybe you can learn these things there. It’ll be very educational for you.”

“Or I can Google it. I just don’t know if it’ll be safe, there’s a very high chance I’m going to pass out drunk and then someone will draw a dick on my face and Dave will be snorting _coke_ in the corner.”

“You’ve finished two drinks and you don’t seem very drunk at all. What are you basing your drink a single drink and lose consciousness theory from?”

John took another drink from the third round before answering. “I was at a party when I was fourteen and –”

Rose held up a hand to stop him. She started to say something but had to wait until she stopped laughing. “John, had you even started puberty when you were fourteen?”

John looked at his drink and pushed a strawberry under the ice. “I mean, my voice was starting to get deeper, sort of.”

“How tall were you?”

“I don’t see what this has to do with anything. I was like five one.”

“How much did you weight?”

“I don’t know! Like one tenish?”

“Do you think that maybe you’ve grown a little since then and that might be why you’re nearly through your third drink and just now starting to show signs of intoxication?”

“Well, I just sort of thought that I hadn’t had any since then….”

“Your weight has to do with it, too. Keep drinking, you aren’t going to find your limit if you drink so slowly.”

John’s limit, as it turned out, was three and a half hard strawberry lemonades. He doubted they would have any of those at the party, but the bartender had said there was a shot in a drink, so he could have three and a half beers. He didn’t know why the last half made him so completely drunk, he had always thought drunkenness was a gradual process. In actuality, Rose had him chug the remainder of the third glass, and he drank the fourth very quickly. Rose could have explained it to him, but she was a little preoccupied with holding him up on the way back to his dorm.

“It’s fucking cold, Rose.” John said, pulling away from her and stumbling in front. “It’s only like November. Why is it so cold?”

Rose grabbed John’s shoulders and steered him back in the direction of his dorm. She chose not the answer him. John didn’t seem like the kind of drunk who would care all that much about the actually reason it was cold in November, other than it being winter.’

Karkat didn’t seem to enjoy Rose pounding on the door because John couldn’t get the key in the lock and wouldn’t give her the keys so she could do it for him.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” Karkat yelled as John tripped over the trash can. “Is he fucking drunk? I’m trying to fucking sleep, Lalonde, get him the fuck out of here. It’s fucking Wednesday anyway, who the fuck gets drunk on a Wednesday?”

“Hey, fuck you, piss face!” John screamed. Rose led him over to his bed and made him sit down. “It’s not my fault you don’t have a life, shitdick.”

Karkat threw a pillow at him. “Shut him up or get him the fuck out I have a fucking eight-thirty class tomorrow. I will not deal with this shit.”

John got out of bad and handed the pillow back. “I’m sorry, Karkers,” he said contritely. 

“I’m leaving now, I think he’s fine. Just text me if he starts being annoying and I’ll come get him.”

“Is that offer good for when he’s sober too?”

Rose left and John went back on his own bed. He babbled for a few minutes until Karkat suggested he text Dave and tell him about how drunk he was instead of the ceiling. John wasn’t too keen on the idea until Karkat reminded him that Dave would be more talkative than the ceiling and might give a slightly bigger shit, too. Karkat was happy he had figured out a way around that. John would shut up, but John decided he wanted to watch a movie, too, so Karkat made him put a sheet over himself and his laptop to dim the light.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 01:17.

EB: hey davester, guess what.  
TG: hey eggy im all for nicknames and everything but daves is really not going to work out capisce  
EB: you did not guses what.  
EB: you know what?   
EB: i don't hink tyou're actually going to dguess so i'm gjust going to tell you.   
EB: SPOILER ALERT i am druank.  
TG: oh my god youve got to be shitting me  
TG: whos taking care of you  
EB: rose walked me back and karkt's in the room with me.  
TG: did rose get you drunk  
EB: itwas in preparation for your fucking party i was fraing my alochol tolerance.  
EB: davester.  
TG: seriously eggy im fine with you having nicknames for me but one of them cannot be davester  
TG: and why were you raising your alcohol tolerance in preparation for the party  
TG: that isnt necessary  
EB: in dno't kthink you know how asful my tolerance was.  
TG: do you think im going to peer pressure you into drinking  
TG: because i really dont do that shit  
TG: so you can stop raising your alcohol tolerance I don’t think theres going to be alcohol there  
TG: those arent my drinking friends and even if they were they wouldnt try to make you drink anyway  
EB: that would have been somen nice information to know before i got drink.  
EB: ma i goint to have a hangover?  
TG: i dont know how drunk you are im guessing you will be  
TG: just contact me and ill tell you how to fix it I need to go to bed though  
TG: i dont know why the fuck you decided to get drunk on a wednesday  
TG: or thursday now I guess  
TG: goodnight

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 01:48.

John was less than thrilled that Dave went to bed. The movie was shit, too. And it wasn’t even the kind of shit movie that he liked. He was also very aware of the fact that he was not tired in the slightest, and it was certainly past the point that he should be at least somewhat sleepy. 

He ended up falling asleep at six and had Karkat wake him up at seven forty-five when he was getting ready for his class and wasn’t bothering to be very quiet at all. John had a funny feeling he was doing it on purpose to get revenge on him for refusing to just go to sleep. He was too hungover to really think into it all that much. John was more focused on trying to get rid of his pounding headache. He vaguely remembered that Dave had told him to contact him in regards to a hangover solution, but John wasn’t willing to try whatever awful solution Dave was going to recommend. John deicded to just go back to sleep and hope that he would feel a little bit better when he woke up. When he did, there was a water bottle on the pillow next to him with “YOU’RE PROBABLY FUCKING DEHYDRATED” written on it. John drank three quarters of it in one gulp, and then did feel a little better. He supposed he appreciated Karkat more than he was willing to admit.

John would have appreciated him more if he would have woken him up again before he left so he wasn’t rushing so much to get to his first class, but he really had needed the sleep. Besides, the class was at noon, and there was really no reason John hadn’t set an alarm. Well, the drunkenness might have had a slight impact on him forgetting to turn on his alarm clock. He didn’t end up being late though, so he really couldn’t complain that much.

“Eggy!?” John turned around to see a pleasantly surprised Dave climbing over a row of seats to sit next to him. “Since when have you had this class?

“I’m a biology major. I have to take this.”

“What the fuck do weather patterns have to do with biology?”

“I don’t know. Why are you here?”

“I thought it sounded like the least suckish of the science classes.”

“Have we seriously had a class together and never noticed?”

“Eggy, there are like three hundred people up in this bitch, I mena, unless you’ve been looking for me.”

“I havne’t,” John said quickly.

“Oh, damn. That sounded defensive. How’s your hangover?”

“Karkat gave me a water bottle I’ve just been drinking that since I woke up.”

“Why do you trust douchenipple’s hangover advice more than mine?”

John blinked. He wasn’t really in the mood for shit, mostly he just wanted to go back to bed and watch Netflix. Dave seemed to understand and started throwing his stuff in his backpack.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here?”

“What?”

“You do not have your learning cap on. For fuck’s sake, you’re in your pajamas. Let’s go.”

“I want to lie down.”

“Then let’s go lie down.”

“Are you propositioning me?”

“Eggy,” Dave put his hand on John’s shoulder, John assumed he was making eye contact, but the damn shades impeded him knowing for sure. “I am suggesting we go to my apartment, I’ll make you whatever comfort drink you want, and we watch hella shitty TV.”

“I was more in the mood for movies.”

“Hella shitty movies work.”

“My movies aren’t shitty!”

“Let’s go.”

And once again, John agreed. He followed Dave out of the lecture hall and to the parking lot. He began questioning that decision when Dave squealed out of the parking lot and sped down the street.

“Um, could you slow down? I’m feeling nauseated.”

Dave listened, and John was really happy that had worked. And it was partially true. He still held on to the hand grip like his life depended on it though.

When they got there, Dave directed John to a rundown couch and tossed a lump of blankets at him while giving him directions to the XBOX to turn on Netflix while he made John his requested hot chocolate. Dave sat at the opposite end of the couch with his legs spread and started pulling John toward him. He started resisting, but Dave was stronger than him, and he was happy once he was there. That might have had something to do with Dave handing him his hot chocolate at approximately the same time. Dave was texting throughout the movie, which didn’t bother John until Dave started balancing his phone on Johns should errand leaning it against his chest, and it kept vibrating. He thought about asking him to move it, but Dave was absentmindedly running his hand up and down John’s torso and it was good bonding (and felt nice). Of course, Dave ruined it by leaning forward and whispering seductively into John’s ear,

“This is hella gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I retyped drunk John because I'm concussed (and bored) and there are now more typos and they're more genuine.


	6. Chapter 6

John about flipped off the couch, but Dave held him there, which he would have been more grateful for, had Dave not just described the situation as hella gay. Because despite any truth that may or may not be contained in that statement, John was not in the mood to deal with any burgeoning homosexuality that other people were observing in him. John tried to just scoot away from him, but Dave held him tighter and repositioned them so they were spooning. That time John really did flip off the couch.

“What the hell? You know I’m not gay!”

“You’re going on a date with me in two days. You’re a little bit gay, Eggy. And that’s okay. Besides, you were fine with it until I pointed out it was gay.”

“No,” John took a step back and wagged his finger about Dave. “You said it was _hella_ gay.”

“Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You were the one who said it was an exemplifier!”

“I meant that it was a little gay.”

“Those are two totally different things. Hella can’t exemplify and diminish.”

“Hey,” Dave got off the couch and into John’s face. “Don’t you start limiting everything hella can do.”

“You’re just supposed to use words that only mean one things. That proves that it’s a made up word.”

Dave pretended to faint. “Don’t you ever say that again.” John didn’t look amused in the slightest. “Are you seriously mad at me because I said hella?”

“No. I’m made you said that this was gay.”

“So…I’m picking up you don’t still want to go to the party with me. Is that what you’re putting down?”

“No.”

“So, you want to go on a date with a man, as long as I don’t point out things that are gay.”

“I would appreciate it if you could not word it like that. It makes me sound a lot less rational. I just…I need time to get used to this. Like, it’s weird for me, and it’s freaking me out.”

“You can just tell me to cool down, Eggers. You don’t have to parkour off fucking furniture,” Dave took John’s hand and pulled him back until they were both on the couch. “As much as I love bad absconds, it’s important to use your words.”

“We’re not dating.”

“What?”

“Currently, you are not my boyfriend.”

“Okay.”

“You just keep touching me and I didn’t know if you thought we were.”

The longer John stayed there, the more he felt like a jackass. He wasn’t trying to be mean, he just didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He was having a minor anxiety attack. 

“Hey, Dave, I’m being a douche right now. I think I just need to lie down. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Dave nodded understandingly.

John didn’t end up lying down. He went to his other class he had that day and did his homework. He was just sort of hoping the anxiety would just sort of go away on its own if he could immerse himself in his work enough, but was lying on his bed four hours later with his stomach churning and he mind spinning. John wanted to talk to someone, but Karkat was gone and Rose wasn’t answering her phone. It had occurred to him that this wouldn’t be a problem if he had more than three friends. Or if he had access to a bathtub. Usually he could take baths and stop having attacks, but that would be difficult to do in a communal bathroom with shower stalls, also unsanitary. John ended up just waiting it out, and it went away on his own. He assumed it had something to do with his hangover.

On Saturday, John started to freak out because he didn’t know what the party’s dress code was. Karkat walked in to see the contents of John’s dresser and closet strewn over the floor, and left again. John nearly chased after him, but Karkat wasn’t going to know what the dress code was either. It seemed silly to call Dave and ask him right then, because Dave was picking him up in fifteen minutes. When Dave knocked, John answered with a nice pair of jeans and mismatching socks. Dave thought John was attending like that, so John assumed he could probably wear a t shirt and be okay. At least it would be more decent that no shirt.

“Just put some crocs on and let’s go.”

John topped looking for shoes and stared. “I don’t own crocs.”

“I have an extra pair in my car, come on.”

“Why do I have to wear crocs?”

“It’s a crocs party.”

John looked at Dave’s feet to see a pair of bright pink crocs. H wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed those. The idea of attending a crocs party both soothed and worried John. He wasn’t really sure what a crocs party was, so that was a tad concerning. On the bright side, people who attended a crocs party seemed to be people who wouldn’t be interested in illegal things, then again, Dave seemed like he would be interested in illegal things, and he was attending a crocs party.

Riding in the car with Dave when he was actually awake confirmed his suspicion that he was a shit driver. He seemed to know what he was doing, it was just really bad execution. There was a lot of speeding and squealing brakes and there was at least one stop sign that Dave completely blew through. John found himself completely extremely relieved to get out of the car.

“Roll up your jeans,” Dave said after John had put on Dave’s extra pair of crocs. “Shit son, you can rock crocs with socks. Keep them rolled up.”

Walking in crocs was something John hadn’t done in years, and he was a little horrified that he missed it. The socks were off putting, too. All comfort of the crocs set aside, John couldn’t shake the feeling of knowing how stupid he looked. It would be more bearable if he didn’t have his socks on display. He had never had a chance to get a matching pair on, so one was white and the other was very conspicuously striped. He tried to kick his jeans down a little with his foot, but Dave noticed and knelt down to roll them up the way he wanted to. John felt very uncomfortable that Dave was kneeling at his feet like that, which was only increased when Dave slapped his ass on the way up. John jumped and the door opened. 

Couldn’t resist,” Dave whispered as he took John’s hand. “Your ass looks hella rad in these jeans.”

“It’d be really hella if you could pick some adjectives other than hella rad to describe my ass.”

John was expecting some strobe lights and a pounding bass with people with red Solo cups everywhere. The lights were all off, he heard Mario Kart from another room, and there was nobody but Dave and the guy who had let them in. John started to take off his crocs, but the guy told him to leave them on. Dave started to follow him and held his hand behind him for John to take, which he did, because it seemed like it would be rude not to, and he was on a date. When he was on dates with girls, he held their hand. It just didn’t feel like a date, so he felt weird holding Dave’s hand. The overall experience of holding his hand was nice. Dave’s hand was a lot bigger than his, so he could see what it was like to have to smaller hand. It was comforting.

“Who’s this motherfucker?’ the guy asked. In the light from the TV, John could see that he had face paint slathered all over him.

“John. Oh, this is Gamzee,” Dave introduced. He walked to the coffee table, which John could now see there was pot all over, and started to roll a joint. “Do you want one?” He asked John, who shook his head. 

“Hey. Pause the game for a minute. This is John.”

“Hi,” John waved and sat down on the armrest next to Dave and the game started again.

At that point, the party had entirely smashed all expectations he had. He was sitting in a room full of high, croc-wearing strangers who were playing Mario Kart. He didn’t really know what to think. Or what to do. It seemed like they were having a tournament of some sort. As much as John enjoyed playing Mario Kart, he wasn’t sure if playing it with a bunch of strangers wasn’t the best way to make new things or make new friends, and he wasn’t really all that good at it either. John was passed a controller a little while later and didn’t really know how he was supposed to say no to that.

The tournament was much more complex than John had anticipated it being. He was also doing a lot better than he had anticipated. He had beat Dave an hour in and had been rewarded with switching seats with Dave. After a little while later, he was pretty sure he was getting high from all the smoke in the room, because when he was offered a smoke for the thousandth time that night, he was yes. And then he was very high. John could safely say he had never played Mario Kart in crocs while he was high before, it was a lot more fun when he was high. Just in general, being high was an improvement on not being high. The whole “enjoying being high” thing was freaking John out a little. He had been so sure that he wasn’t going to drink, and he hadn’t even considered the possibility of being offered drugs.

“So you didn’t raise your marijuana tolerance, too?” Dave asked.

“Fuck off,” John laughed. “Do they have like, flavored pot? Because this stuff tastes really fucking awful.”

“Do you want me to get you a beer or something to get it out of your mouth?” Dave offered, pointing to the kitchen.

“N. I mean, I don’t think that being drunk and high is a good idea.”

“It’s a lot more fun.”

“Hey…hey are there like high hangovers? Like am I going to feel like shit tomorrow?”

“There are a lot of factors other than the pot. Like getting enough sleep and shit.”

“There can be. It motherfucking fucks up a mothefucker,” Gamzee said. 

“Not everyone gets them. And it isn’t bad. Just like a headache or some shit,” Dave said. “They only suck for him because he does a bunch of shit with it. You can live with a headache, right Eggy? I have faith in you.”

“There can be. It motherfucking fuck up a motherfucker,” Gamzee said.

“Not everyone gets them, and it isn’t bad. Just like a headache or some shit,” Dave said. “They only suck for him because he does a bunch of shit with it. You can live with a headache, right Eggy? I have faith in you.” 

John felt a little word still not knowing anyone’s name, but he thought it was a little too late for introductions at this point. He had been sharing blunts with the girl next to him for the better part of his time there, so he decided that he should at least learn her name. She didn’t seem that interested in talking to him, he probably should have picked a time when she wasn’t playing, but he got the information he wanted. Her name was Terezi and he was apparently in her house. John looked at her while she went back to playing and it didn’t look like she was even watching the screen, and John was a little confused about well she was doing. He waited until after it was her turn to talk to her again.

“Were you even watching?”

“I’m blind,” she turned toward John.

“How the hell have you done so well?”

She shrugged. “I’ve memorized the tracks.”

“How do you know what track you’re playing?”

“I organized this.”

“Oh.”

John wasn’t sure what to say to that. He wanted to apologize for her being blind, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to do that, so he just went back to watching.

He was beat the next time it was his turn and Dave had been out for a while. Dave leaned over to John and put his chin on his shoulder. “Follow me to the kitchen, this is getting bored.”

John hadn’t been bored, however, he had lasted a lot longer than Dave had. He was pretty sure he was going to get bored too if he kept sitting there. When he got in the kitchen, Dave slid a beer across the counter to him.

“I’m not getting drunk while I’m high. I’ve already said that.”

“Fuck. You’re right. Fine. Hey, Eggy, are you going to like turn into a stoner now? But a responsible one?”

“No. You can’t smoke pot on a regular basis and be responsible about it.”

“Hey,” Dave patted John’s shoulder consolingly, “don’t beat yourself up like that. You can do anything you put your mind to, you know that?”

“You know, Dave? Thanks for your concern. And your confidence, it really means a lot to me.”

“Just remember that I have faith in you, Eggy,” Dave said through a mouthful of beer.

“Fuck, is it really four?” John gave the clock on the microwave a panicked look. “Seriously? We’ve been here for five hours? My sleep schedule is so fucked.” Inexplicitly, John began laughing uncontrollably.

“Here, Eggy, I’ll drive you home. Let me go tell them that we out.”

Perhaps one of the worst decisions John had made in his nineteen years on the planet was letting a high Dave Strider drive him home. The only reason he had agreed to Dave driving him was because he was also high. The entire time he was screaming at Dave to slow down. Dave was going about ten miles an hour the whole way, but John was terrified and told Dave to just go to his apartment because it was closer and would be less time in the car. That probably wasn’t the safest decision to make either. When John was sober again, he was very disappointed with the decisions he had made while under the influence.

He decided to spend the night at Dave’s. His high was starting to wear off at that point and he didn’t think he would be able to go into his dorm and not have to deal with him waking up Karkat, and then sitting through Karkat’s lecture on how the room smelled like pot. He didn’t want to sleep on the couch because Dave’s couch kind of sucked a lot of as, and he found himself drinking a glass of water on Dave’s bed with Dave next to him. John was blathering about how he wasn’t in the mood for sex and he would really like it if Dave could try his best to not do anything to John in his sleep. Dave was asleep halfway through John’s lecture and John was out before he could finish it.

John was extremely disoriented when he woke up. He couldn’t find a clock anywhere in the bedroom and stumbled into the living room to see Dave watching Dance Moms on the couch. That helped John remember where he was. He decided not to bother Dave and go see what time it was. He was not pleased to see it was eight in the morning. John got himself breakfast and sat down on the couch next to Dave with a bowl of cereal. 

“You were right. This isn’t a hangover. I’m just really fucking tired.”

“What kind of cereal did you get?” Dave paused the TV to look into John’s bowl. “Fuck,” he said upon discovery of Lucky Charms. “There’s not more right?”

John nodded while he ate a spoonful. “Should I have not gotten any?”

“No. I don’t fucking care. I took you to party and then drove you home while high. I’d be hella bummed if you finished them, but you deserve them. Hey, I’m going to take a piss, you can keep watching that if you want. Rose said you like shitty entertainment.”

John was going to yell at him because that was uncalled for, but he was too tired to deal with it and let it go.

Dave called John into the kitchen a few minutes later and backed him against a counter. Every time John opened his mouth to say something, Dave would take a step closer to him until he could literally not get any closer. John was pretty sure he knew were this was going, and Dave started leaning in and John didn’t know why he hadn’t stopped it but all of a sudden Dave was kissing him and he was kissing Dave back and he kept meaning to push him and away and when Dave finally stopped kissing him, John leaned closer to Dave and kissed him again.


	7. Chapter 7

“I’m not saying you need to start introducing yourself as gay, John,” Rose repeated. “I don’t know why you’re having such a problem with the concept of sexuality being a spectrum. There are things other than straight and gay.”

“I’m not bi either!”

Rose put her head in her hands. “John. It’s a spectrum. You don’t have to label yourself. If you like kissing boys, kiss boys. It doesn’t mean you’re gay.”

“I don’t like kissing boys. Just Dave.”

“Then kiss Dave!” Rose threw her hands in the air. “You’re making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. Stop trying to put yourself into a box. Go have fun. I need to go to class.”

John had to go to class, too. He decided to keep sitting. He had been hoping Rose would be able to fix his sexuality crisis for him. She had been about as much help as Yahoo! Answers had been, which wasn’t a lot. As aware as he was that sexuality was a personal thing and he couldn’t just expect other people to figure it out for him he really wanted them to. John had asked her if it would make him gay if he pursued some sort of relationship with Dave. It was difficult, because he didn’t want Dave to be his boyfriend because that would sort of solidify any slight homosexual tendencies he may have. Somewhere deep down, he knew that he needed to get the hell over himself and just go for it. There wasn’t any reason he needed to define anything, he just needed to do what he needed to do to be happy.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:03.

EB: can i be straight with you?  
EB: that was an unfortunate choice of wording considering what i want to talk to you about.  
TG: shoot  
EB: so i really enjoyed kissing you. like a lot.  
TG: well thank you so much for your hella heartfelt compliment  
TG: i liked kissing you too we should totes do it again sometime  
EB: okay well remember how i told you that i wasn’t actually gay?  
TG: yeah  
EB: so i don’t really know what to do.  
TG: im not actually gay either  
TG: besides i dont care if you dont want to be my facebook official boyfriend  
TG: we can just be best buds who sometimes make out with each other  
EB: isn’t that just friends with benefits?  
TG: no  
TG: youre giving it too much of a definition  
TG: stop trying to compare this with something okay  
TG: we will be best buds who sometimes make out with each other and it will be hella  
TG: and thats all  
EB: how am i supposed to describe that to people?  
TG: okay the more you think about it the less hella it gets  
TG: the whole point of calling it best buds who sometimes make out with each other is so there doesnt have to be an introduction  
TG: hey londers did you know that john and i are best buds now  
TG: see  
TG: thats not bad at all  
EB: do you really call rose londers?  
TG: not when she can hear me  
TG: she told me im not allowed to call her that  
EB: so does that mean i can call her londster?  
EB: or a better nickname because londster sucks ass.  
TG: no it doesnt you dont know what youre talking about  
TG: you have no nickname experience whatsoever  
EB: whatever.  
EB: so, can we be best buds who sometimes make out until i figure out what the hell is going on with me?  
TG: youre have a sexuality crisis  
TG: thats exactly whats wrong with you  
TG: let me take you on a few more dates before you start freaking out literally nobody commits to a relationship after one day  
EB: usually when i go on dates we’re already like dating each other. this whole thing is backwards to me.  
EB: i’ll get my shit together though.  
TG: i have faith in you  
EB: why do you keep telling me that?  
TG: because you should know that

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:47.

 

Talk to Dave about it really helped John to calm down. Apparently he had been subconsciously worried about what Dave would think. Dave had a way of being relaxed enough that it spread to John and made him calm down too. That was impossible when he was talking to Karkat about his problems. Karkat was a shitty person to talk about problems with, and the only reason John talked to him was because he would tell John what was really up. Rose would take a logical approach, which was good in situation that didn’t involve things that John had to figure out himself. She also used a lot of words that he didn’t understand, and there were only so many times he could stop her to ask the definition of a word before she started getting angry with him. When Rose got irritated with John in those situations, she usually gave him bad advice, and John was suckish enough at making decisions that he didn’t even recognize it half the time.

***  
Thanksgiving break was coming up and John was not happy. It wasn’t anything to do with his deep-set hatred of the holiday even, mostly just his teachers wanted to finish up everything they had started. Mostly John was talking a lot of test and he was extremely pissed off about it. He also wanted to change his major, but he didn’t have a reason to change it other than he wanted something easier. Majoring in theatre was sounding like a better idea the more he thought about it. He knew that it would be a bad idea to switch to theatre because he didn’t care that much about it and would probably be overwhelmed by it and discover it was a lot harder than he thought. Plus he didn’t have any idea what he was even supposed to do with a theatre degree because he didn’t want to go into acting or production or anything artsy at all. John wasn’t really sure he wanted to do anything in biology either. Surely if it was this much of a hassle for him now, he would majorly fuck things up if he became an actual biologist. This wasn’t the first time John had these concerns either, so he didn’t what he usually did when he was feeling stressed out and on the verge of dropping out of school: He curled up in his bed and watched movies until he couldn’t watch movies anymore.

The marathon didn’t really help John feel any better, but it sure as hell did a good job distracting him from the studying he was supposed to be doing. He felt like shit when he noticed that he had been watching movies for the last eight hours straight. He hadn’t noticed that Karkat had not only come in from after dinner, but also turned the light off and went to bed. That realization put him off doing any work that night. It was only about midnight, and John decided that sleeping would be the best way to ensure his essay was written because he would be well rested for writing it the next day.

Somehow, John managed to make it through the week without having any mental breakdown of significance. His dad had invited him home for Thanksgiving, but John really wasn’t feeling up to living in a crowded house where the majority of the inhabitants were over fifty for a wee. Besides, Karkat had chosen to go home and John was really excited to have his own room for a little while. It was about halfway through the second day of break that John’s solitude started to get boring and he wanted to do something. It was a fortunate happenstance that he got a call from Dave at two in the morning to invite him over.

“I don’t have a car and I’m not walking.”

“Well, it’s a damn good thing I’m in the parking lot right now and all you need to do is get in my car.”

Dave didn’t go directly to his apartment. He dragged John to Target and started buying groceries. John was a little disappointed with how vanilla grocery shopping was. The most rebellious thing that happened the entire time they were in Target was Dave pushed John in a cart the whole time, and that didn’t really even count because the employees were too tired to care.

Dave mentioned that the ingredients were for making snickerdoodles after John had asked him repeatedly on the drive back. And then Dave had ignored John telling him that he wasn’t in the mood for cookies and didn’t really like baking at all. Dave stopped blending the batter and stuck one of the mixer blades into John’s mouth, who spit it out. In the end, he conceded to at least measure out the ingredient and hand them to Dave. When it was time to put them on the cookie sheet, Dave forced him out of the kitchen because it would “ruin the surprise” if John saw what he was doing.

When Dave walked into the living room a half hour later with a cookie sheet pull of phallic snickerdoodles, John was less than impressed. He raised his eyebrows and Dave smirked while moving the cinnamon cocks closer to him. 

“Eggy, this is funny shit.”

“You made dick cookies. It’s not that funny.”

“But what kind of cookies are they?”

“Penis snickerdoodles.”

“No,” John had never seen Dave smile so intensely. “ _Dick_ erdoodles!”

John turned on the TV. 

“Come on, Eggy. This shit is funny. We can stay up all night and eat dicks. It’s going to be so rad.”

“I’m still trying to deal with the fact you called me at two in the morning so you could make penis cookies with me.”

“You’re making it sound so lame. Call them dickerdoodles,” Dave sat next to him.

“I think I’m going to go home now.”

“Or you could stay here and we could have a hella rad pillow fight.”

“It’s three o’clock in the – ” John couldn’t finish his sentence because he was hit in the face with one of the couch cushions.

He had intended to thoroughly kick Dave’s ass, but he discovered that Dave had extreme game when it came to pillow fights. At one point, John was viciously whacking Dave with a pillow, and Dave somehow managed to loop a fleece blanket over his head and tackled him to the ground. John had a vague thought about how there were people on the floor below them, but Dave moved the blanket from his face and started kissing him. John had a hunch that the evening/morning was starting to lead to this.

Right when he was about to start having a small crisis about kissing a boy for so long, Dave put his tongue in John’s mouth, and John found that he had other things to think about than the gayness of the situation. It was easier to ignore it while he was actively kissing Dave, but a few minutes later, Dave moved the blanket from John’s neck and started sucking on it. That was horrible because it felt so ridiculously good that John was subconsciously thrusting his hips into Dave’s thigh, which only alerted him to the fact that Dave was aroused too, and he had distinctly male anatomy. He got over it when Dave lowered his thigh incrementally so John could get some actual friction. Because Dave had been staying in the same spot for a very long time, John started to get concerned that he was going to get a hickey. 

“Wait…Dave, you can’t leave a mark.” 

“Um…it might be a little late for that.”

“What!?” 

“Wait a minute, let me turn on a light,” Dave got up to flip the switch while John sat up and wiped the spit off his neck. “Okay. You may have a small hickey. It’ll go away soon though. And it’s break, so nobody’s even going to see it. You’ll be okay, Eggy.”

“No it won’t! I still have a bruise on my neck because of you!”

“It was dark!”

“Eat a dick, Dave.”

Dave put a dickerdoodle in his mouth. John was not amused in the slightest. He got up to go assess the damage in the bathroom. It was not a small hickey. It was a very large and noticeable hickey. John went racing back into the living room. 

“What the hell!? This is not going away before break is over!” He sat on the couch for a minute and then got up to stare at his neck in distress some more. Dave came in a little while later and re-examined it.

“Okay. Maybe it won’t be completely gone, but it will be faded.”

“I don’t care if it’s faded.”

“I don’t care if it’s faded. I want it gone.”

“You look like a trashy girl. Come to the kitchen, maybe ice will stop the swelling or something.”

“What?”

“Hickeys are bruises and you put ice on bruises.”

John waited in the living room for Dave to get the ice and looked up ways to make hickeys go away. He went to the bathroom again to slather his heck in toothpaste. John didn’t know what it was with the internet and solving all dermalogical problems with toothpaste, but it had worked most of the time he tried it. Dave found him walking down the hall, rubbing in more toothpaste and stopped him.

“Did you just my toothpaste on your neck?”

“I saw that it helped get rid of hickeys,” John shrugged and rubbed it harder. Dave grabbed John’s hand away and pressed an ice cube over the hickey. “Fucking hell! That’s cold!” John squirmed away from the ice.

“It’s ice,” Dave tried to put it back on his neck, but John slapped his hand away. “Eggy, you are a sophomore in college. You have been on this planet for nineteen years, and you’re just now discovering ice is cold.”

“Could you just put a washcloth over it or something?”

“Fresh out.”

“How can you be out of washcloths? You just wash them.”

“There was a small stove accident that rendered them unusable.”

John wrapped the ice cube in some paper towels that Dave offered him. “Did you try to clean the stove when it wasn’t cool?”

Dave didn’t respond. He took out his phone and sat on the couch. “Hey, Eggy, it says if you put a frozen spoon on it then it’ll go away in a day. Go put a spoon in the freezer.”

John looked around the kitchen for Dave’s silverware, but only found plastic utensils. He figured that if he ran it under water and then put in in the freezer, it would have similar results. He sat on the couch with Dave while he waited for it to freeze. An hour later, he checked on it and decided it was cold enough. It was very uncomfortable to sit with a frozen spoon on his heck. He looked at Dave with pure rage in his eyes, only to see Dave looking back at him with a hint of s mirk. John scooted forward a couple inches and kicked his calf, which only made him smirk more.

“His isn’t funny, Dave. Have you held a frozen spoon on your neck before?”

“No, but your faces are funny. I can’t help it.”

“Do you think a hot compress would work better”

“Not how bruises work, Eggers.”

“I saw that massaging it would help.”

“Are you asking me to massage your neck?”

“Yes.”

Dave pulled John over to him and started massaging. “It’s not looking any better.”

“You know, Dave, this is a little hella gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I was hit by a car and had a concussion. I needed to get better. I'm hoping updates will become more regular now.


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